Music Baton*

Theresa told me to do this.**

Total volume of music files on my computer:
7 GB

The last CD I bought was:

I can't remember. I haven't bought one in a long, long time. The last full album I added to my collection was Street Dreams by Fabolous, burned from a friend.

Song playing right now:

I don't have any music playing right now. I am working in silence at the moment.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me:

1. At My Window Sad and Lonely - Wilco and Billy Bragg
2. Feelin' It - Jay-Z
3. e. texas ave. - the promise ring
4. Stolen Goods - Pearly Sweets and the Platonics
5. Loosifa - the Juggaknots

*Which I am not passing off to anyone else.
**Yes, I am too cool for this nonsense. Yes, I am doing it just for you.

No, Really.

The above was not made with the Church Sign Generator.

It is for real: A North Carolina church actually made it.

Loopiest, Hole-iest Loophole Ever

Audit finds that sex offenders get Viagra

Related: VIAGRA FOR SEX OFFENDERS MADLIBS!

Example 1: "To give them Viagra is similar to giving a heroin addict heroin, and giving an alcoholic alcohol during an AA meeting." --(psychotherapist Robin Ludwig)

Now, try it yourself:

I Wanna Be Teacher's Pet

I can't...I don't know what... I....oh god.

Ex-teacher weds student

Little Known Fact

If you took freshman psych, you've read about Kitty Genovese. In 1964, she was raped and murdered in Kew Gardens, Queens, three doors down from where she lived. 38 people watched the attack take place. These people watched her get stabbed and raped and heard her scream "Oh my god, he stabbed me, please help me. I'm dying. I'm dying." No one ran to her rescue, no one called the police.

This case is used as an example of the "someone-will-do-something-so-I-don't-have-to" phenomena. Apathy.

So, this is not news. BUT. Did you know that Kitty Genovese was a lesbian?

I didn't and maybe it's immaterial. But still, there it is.

Fuck, Chuck or Stuck: Multiple Choices

I just realized that life is just a big game of fuck, chuck or stuck. For those of you who don't know, this is a game where you are given three different people. Of those three you must decide with whom you would have sex, who you would chuck off a cliff, or with whom you'd be stuck on a desert island (implying no sexual or romantic involvement). You must then explain your answers. Gameplay can involve any combination of men or women, real or fictional, living or dead. It's fun to choose all attractive people, or all heinous people-- thus making the decision more difficult. For example, with the choices of Rosie O'Donnell, Orrin Hatch and present day Michael Jackson, the choice is too hellish to contemplate. You would rather (I'd think) chew light bulbs then fuck or be stuck with any of the three, but you can only chuck one person. Themed choices are fun, like

a. Fuck, chuck or stuck: Bill Clinton, Hillary Rodham, or Chelsea (answer: fuck Bill Clinton since he's totally insatiable he's probably a minx in the sack, chuck Chelsea for obvious reasons and be stuck with Hillary because she probably has great stories. Alternatively, fuck Hillary because frigid chicks are always all that in bed, chuck Chelsea (this never changes) and be stuck with Bill because he's fun and would be down to party).

b. Fuck, chuck or stuck: Condoleeza Rice, John Ashcroft, Donald Rumsfeld (answer: this is a lose-lose-lose situation where you want to cut your losses and focus on damage control)

c. Fuck, chuck or stuck: Lucky Star Madonna, Vogue Madonna, Kabbalah Madonna (answer: obviously chuck Kabbalah Madonna, fuck Vogue Madonna and be stuck with Lucky Star because 1. she could dress her ass of and 2) was fun as hell).

Go back and forth with a friend and see who can think of the best, or most hellish trio. It is also fun to use exes, particularly awful former bosses, and, if need be, passersby.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I finally realized that life is just a big game of fuck, chuck or stuck. We all go through every day trying to decide who we want to date, who we want nothing to do with, and who we can spend the rest of our lives with.

My problem is that I always want to fuck and chuck the same person.

Broke as a Joke

I don't usually discuss my personal life on my 'blog for a number of reasons. One, I don't want y'all sycophantic blog-readers knowing my shit. Two, no one likes to read about someone else's life unless 1) that person is an ex and you are stalking him/her or 2) that person is a really great writer and is witty and interesting to the nth degree, which I'm not. Third, I've seen people using their 'blogs and sites as ways to vent about people in their lives, which is extremely hurtful shit that I want no part of. Finally, I live my life so the thought of sitting down to write about it, particularly in a public space, makes me sick of myself.

That said, I almost feel like I'm not being up-front if I don't share the major events-- like going to Boston, going to Kentucky, seeing Sin City, and so on.

So, in the spirit of keeping my public, all 3 of you, in the loop, let me say that this morning marked The Fourth Heartbreak of My Life. Now, you might see "heartbreak" and think I am talking about something of the romantic ilk. Two of the aforementioned 4, including #4 do indeed involve love lost and so on. But, just to dispel the idea that I fall in love serially, or get my knickers in a twist when every little dating venture doesn't work out, I'll point out that Heartbreaks #1 and #2 have nothing to do with romantic love, while Nos. 3 and 4 do, and with the same person. So, maybe it's 3 heartbreaks-- 3.1 and 3.2, or better yet, 3a and 3b.

Whichever way you look at it, my mental state is as you'd expect. When I told my co-worker that I was heartbroken, but didn't want to wallow in my crapulence for too long, she told me it was okay to "exist in grief" for a little while. I agree, but for now I have to exist in writing a grant. So, the grief will come later.

And the women in my life, there has only been two, my mother being one, and the other one is done.

Mazel Tov from All of Us Here at TRL

While I do not consider myself a practicing Jew, I do understand that Bar/Bat Mitzvahs are a rite of passage into Jewish adulthood, and one of the most important events a Jew will experience in his or her life. One must approach such an event with earnest preparation, dedication, committment, and reverence. That is why British retail billionaire Philip Green hired Destiny's Child to perform at his son's Bar Mitzvah.

For the actual religious part of the Bar Mitzvah (for those unfamiliar with the ceremony, it includes catered food served in plush environs-- usually a country club-- and live music, which all precede the Bar/Bat Mitzvah boy/girl being lavished with expensive gifts from family and friends), which only constitutes about 2% of the entire event, a temporary synagogue will be erected at the exclusive Hotel du Cap near Cannes, where the concert will be held.

Congratulations, young man, and welcome to Jewish adulthood.

King Tut Revisited

I was thinking more about my post on King Tut, who looks eerily effete and rather goth in the latest rendering of what he probably looked like when he died.

What I'm thinking about is, why does King Tut look like a Swedish woman rather than an African man? In this latest rendering his features are curiously caucasoid. I don't know enough about race and geography and I am researching it as I speak.

Does anyone know where the scholarship is at as of right now and what it says? Not that what the academy says is correct or not biased, but it's a jumping off point for further research.

This seems like a reasonable answer (from here):

Seated at the juncture of three continents, the Egyptians showed the physical characteristics of Caucasians, Negroes, and Asians. With the migration of various peoples into the Nile Valley throughout the thousands of years in which the Egyptian culture flourished, it is nearly impossible to avoid a racial mixture of the population. Therefore, the most heated debate centers around what race the Predynastic or earliest Egyptians were, the "original" Egyptians, if you will. Yet again, skeletal remains indicate that they shared the characteristics of Caucasians, Asians and Negroes.

So, if skeletal remains indicate caucasion, asian and "negro" features, why is our latest King Tut as caucasian as can be, even down to his skin tone? They could have at least painted him not white, which would've been the easiest way to at least pay lip service to the idea that ancient Egyptians were not white.

One last sentiment from the same site:

Perhaps the most important question to answer is: What race did the Egyptians believe they belonged to? The ancient Egyptians saw themselves as being ethnically distinctive from both the Asiatics to the north and the Negros to the south.

The site is maintained by someone who does not give enough information about who she is for me to be confident about the veracity of the information she is providing. Furthermore, her bibliography cites literature that, once again, I can't necessarily trust because this is a field I know nothing about. For all I know she consulted all sources from the same theoretical background--- all revisionist in one direction or the other, for example.

If anyone knows anything helpful here, hit me up.

to be continued.

Who is this Badass?

Badass 1 is Sam Fisher, the hero of the Splinter Cell video game series.

Badass 2 is Michael Ironside, the voice of Sam Fisher. You may remember him as Richter, Mr. Smack-You-Just-for-Livin' himself from the best Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ever, Total Recall:



It really all started with his role in Scanners where he was King Badass.

Compare their biogprahies:

Sam Fisher (available at the Splinter Cell website):

Fisher has been on the front lines of espionage through several key years of world history. He has not only survived but excelled in the field of espionage through hard work, insatiable curiosity, and brutal honesty. He has little time for polite niceties and even less for lies.

Though fully aware and confident of his abilities, Fisher understands that his survival has often been a gift of chance. He knows he is human and fallible and does not want to die.

Michael Ironside (available at Filmbug):

A seasoned character actor with a devoted cult following, Michael Ironside has starred in more than 100 feature films and is regularly seen on television. Born in Canada, he studied at the Ontario College of Art and Canadian National Film Board. After working on numerous Canadian film and television productions, both in front of and behind the camera, he came to the fore in David Cronenberg's sci-fi hit Scanners, garnering a Genie Award for Best Supporting Actor. This success was followed by roles in Total Recall and Top Gun. His many films include The New Karate Kid, Fatherhood, Starship Troopers, The Perfect Storm and Crime and Punishment in Suburbia. In 1998, he wrote and directed The Arrangement.

In 2002, Ironside starred as Bob Durelle in the Canadian mini-series The Last Chapter, for which he received a Gemini Award nomination, and he recently reprised the role in The Last Chapter II: The War Continues. Aside from his regular appearances on the hit drama E.R., Ironside also recently starred on television in Outer Limits, as well as the mini-series Nuremberg, V and Seaquest DSV.

As you can see, they are basically one in the same.

King Tut was a Cross-Dressing, Androgynous Goth

National Geographic reports that the above is the "most accurate forensic reconstruction ever of ancient Egypt's Pharaoh Tutankhamun." The bust was created by Paris-based forensic sculptor Elisabeth Daynès, who, I suspect, is also a makeup artist on the Paris drag circuit.

The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown

Someone has accused me of not posting enough. I'm not going to say any names, but I'm answering the challenge with at least one post per day until I've won her over.

The Teflon Don is Not My Homeskillet

For all of the kids rocking John Gotti t-shirts, let's put this in perspective.

The man died at the age of 61 in a federal prison in Missouri.

His son, Junior (to whom Gotti "left" the Gambino family, along with Junior's Uncle Peter, when he went up the river), tried to take over the family and landed himself in prison from 1999 to 2004 on racketeering charges. Just before his release, he was charged with and faces about 130 years for murder, attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder, kidnapping and conspiracy to commit kidnapping, conspiracy to commit securities fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, extortion and illegal gambling.

Gotti's brother, Peter, got sentenced in April 2004 for money laundering and racketeering.

His other brother, Gene, is serving a life sentence for heroin trafficking.

The rest of his legacy, well, you know the deal there.

It's not that gangster when you get caught and your whole family tree falls apart.

ROAD TRIP!

I am going to Kentucky tomorrow morning right now.

Have a good weekend.

Tom Clancy Writes Another Best Selling Novel Video Game

I've talked about this before, but the Splinter Cell series are the coolest video games ever. The latest one is Splinter Cell Chaos Theory. Shit is amazing. I can't really follow the story-- something about missles, computers, high level mathematics and assorted conspiracies. What concerns me is:

1. wasting dudes
2. sneaking up on dudes
3. blowing shit up
4. interrogating dudes

Observe:

Sam Fisher, the character you play, is the world's biggest badass. Basically, his voice is gravelly and he rapells down buildings and crawls through heating ducts and flirts over his radio with Grim, his Third Echelon (read up on it) connect:



(sexy in an animated way...)

All of this he does while disarming missles, bypassing circuits and dismantling security cameras. Bruce Lee wishes he was this ninja.

Saigon - E.A.T.

Blowjob Sound Effects: Why?

The Hummer.

The two instances that come to mind are those on the song "Rewind" on Nas' Stillmatic and the Ken Kaniff skit (Track 12) on Marshall Mathers LP. What do these sound effects contribute musically, comically, or dramatically, or otherwise? Simply put: why?